How Many Toys Did you Throw Away This Time?

I’ve thrown away a Lelo.
Twice.

Clit stimulators. Roxy bullets. Pocket rockets and sleek, silky plugs. All of them cut up, wrapped up in shame, and dropped into the bin- like I was disposing of a crime scene. A purge. A personal exorcism. I’d look at these beautiful, gleaming instruments of pleasure, and all I could see was sin.

Because somewhere, at some point, someone decided that touching yourself was one of the worst things you could do to yourself. That your desire wasn’t just dangerous - it was dirty. And even alone, in the safety of my own bed, I felt like I was being watched. Judged. Measured.

So, I’d destroy them, then throw them away.
And then I’d miss them.
And buy them again.
Then throw them away again.

Because someone told Me that My body was a sin. And for many years, every orgasm I reached was chased by a flood of guilt so intense, it felt like I’d fallen from grace. There were nights I cried. Mornings I couldn't look at myself. I prayed harder after - trying to replace pleasure with discipline.

Sound familiar?

What have you thrown away, hmm?
How many times?

When you replaced it - was it the same toy, or did you call it an upgrade to soften the self-judgement? A kind of “I’ve changed” purchase, though we both know what came next.

Maybe you haven’t thrown away a toy. Maybe you threw away something more…
A Twitter profile after it got too real in your DMs.
The burner email you used to send that tribute to a Dominatrix who lit your insides on fire, only to come crashing down in shame hours later.
You felt sick with desire, didn’t you?
Sick with the choices you made in a moment of honest hunger.

Maybe you booked a session.
Maybe you ghosted.
Told yourself a thousand lies to justify it.
Maybe you still have the confirmation email hidden in a folder called “Misc.” Or “Taxes.” Or “Don’t Open.”
But you do open it. Every time the urge returns.

And it always returns.

This blog isn’t about judgment. It’s about the loop.

The cycle of excitement → indulgence → shame → retreat → denial → craving → collapse.
The loop that was installed into so many of us - especially the tender-hearted, the imaginative, the disciplined. The ones who feel deeply. The ones who were taught that feeling deeply was dangerous.

So here’s what I’ll say, and you may not be ready to hear it:

You don’t need to throw anything away.
You need to learn how to hold it.
To understand it.
To treat your pleasure not as poison, but as a map.

Because the body remembers what religion tried to erase.
The body knows what the shame tried to silence.
And healing doesn’t come from destruction.
It comes from creating a safer home for your desire to live in.

If you’re caught in that loop - just know: you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.
You don’t need to be fixed. You need to be met.

Let that be Me.
Let this be your invitation to stop running from your hunger and start learning what it’s really asking for.

Not to feed the shame - to end it.

Because your body was never the sin.
But your liberation?
That might just be divine.